A new day, a new way....

This is a blog, or what I would like to think of it as, a bunch of words that I think and feel throughout my IVF journey. 

First, let me say, I have never "blogged" before. I have no clue as to what I am doing, or what the "correct" way is, so bare with me as I learn all the neat stuff blogging has to offer.

I will start out, with where I am at right now with my IVF process. What I am facing and all that stuff.

Recently I found out I was pregnant. My husband ( DH) and I could not have been more happy or surprised. The next thing I know, I am heading to surgery. It was ectopic, I lost a lot of blood (the tube ruptured) and I woke up with my last tube removed and my baby gone...I will NEVER have the chance for "Surprise love, WE are pregnant" again. I have NO tubes and ONE ovary. Basically, I am fucked until IVF works. Not that I am in the worst position. I could be without everything and never have the chance for even my own baby, for that, i am beyond grateful. I need to focus on that more often.

I have had better days. I am gearing up for a full round of IVF, but I can honestly say that I am beyond terrified I will never again, in my life, be pregnant or carry to full term. I am so damn scared and it really has gotten the best of me. I wish, every single day, that I was still pregnant. I was so damn happy....

I am waiting for my cycle to start, then I can start all of these wonderful tests again, then meds, more tests, so on and so forth. You get the idea. First things first, I MUST get healthy and to get healthy, I MUST fully recover... and to do that, I MUST be no other than, POSITIVE. Seems like I have a ways to go...

I have yet to fully recover. I have had many appointments with my surgeon because my incisions started and continued to split open from day 3 until now. I have a terrible infection from it and I am trying to get as healthy as I can possibly be. This infection has kicked my butt and I am sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED!!!

I have not cried since the surgery, but that does not mean that I am fine with what has happened. I am trying to remain positive. Mainly for my husband because it hurts him to see me sad. I want nothing more than to have a healthy, happy complete family. My husband is my family, but we want children to love and protect. to guide, as ours have done with us. To live that life and have those memories. I, more than anything, want to feel complete and right now I feel like I am missing something. that something, is a baby.....

In the meantime, I keep reminding myself.....